


Back to Square One

by charvill1981



Category: The X-Files, The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008)
Genre: F/M, Satire, X-Files revival, post-IWTB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 22:59:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5393435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charvill1981/pseuds/charvill1981
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is satire based on the extreme angst CC puts me through every time he lays more lame AF plot devices out there because he forgot about the last three seasons of the show he created. And the movie. Whatever. It’s supposed to be funny. Because if I don’t laugh…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to Square One

**Author's Note:**

> I have never, EVER attempted to write anything like this, so if you laugh or enjoy it, please, please, puh-lease tell me because I’d love to know that someone else smiled during this.

“I can’t do this alone,” Mulder says to Skinner, looking forlornly around his old office; the one in which he never got her a desk. 

 

“Jesus, Mulder, you pathetic piece of garbage,” Skinner said, sneering at him in disgust. “No wonder she left your ass.”

 

He stared, open-mouthed at his boss, and then burst into tears. Skinner rolled his eyes but went to comfort his former agent. “Maybe you should just go talk to her.”

 

“Ha!” he laughed, wiping the tears from his face. “Talk to her! How can I, Fox Mulder, talk to someone like she, Dana Katherine Scully? She who is the air that I need to breathe, the sun that starts every day—“

 

“Good God!” he yells, grabbing Mulder by the shoulders as the man sticks out his bottom lip at him. “Just shut the hell up and I’ll drive you there myself.”

 

When Skinner called Scully, she didn’t want him to bring Mulder over, instead insisting that they meet at a park not far from the capitol building. He saw her standing not far from the fountain and pulled the car up to the curb. “Get out, Mulder.”

 

“I can’t—“

 

Reaching between them, Skinner pulled the gun he kept in the console and, seeing it, Mulder took off.

 

When he jumped out, he finally looked at her and remembered that – even though she is the sun and the moon and the stars – he couldn’t show her that was how he felt. 

 

Scully watched as Skinner peeled away, leaving Mulder standing awkwardly on the side of the street. When he saw her, though, he suddenly stood tall, sticking his thumbs in his jean pockets and approaching her casually. Despite the fact that he looked like shit, she missed him and she was actually happy she had agreed to meet with him.

 

“Mulder,” she greeted, since they’ve never once said “Hello”…or “Goodbye” for that matter. Wait, that’s kind of fucked up. But, as usual, her thoughts are interrupted by him.

 

He pulled his sunglasses halfway down his nose to look over them at her. “’Sup, Doc?”

 

“Um, you called me, remember?”

 

“Oh yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Cool, cool. So, Skinner wants us to go talk to this guy because he has some information about an alien government conspiracy cover-up thing. C’mon let’s go,” he said, trying to guide her to the big ass SUV he made her buy just before they broke up a few months…or was it years ago? He couldn’t remember. 

 

She pulled away from him, outraged. “Mulder, you can’t touch me anymore. We’re broken up!”

 

“Broken up? Were we together, Scully?”

 

Squinting up into his eyes she suddenly can’t remember. “I thought so…weren’t we?”

 

“Oh yeah! Yeah, we had a son together, too, I think.”

 

“Yes! Ha! See, I told you!”

 

He moved again to place his hand at the small of her back, but she smacked it away. 

 

“How dare you, sir!”

 

His jaw fell open. “But, Sculleeeee,” he whined. “I always do that with you. You’re my bae.”

 

She sighed in exasperation. “Geez, I know that. And you’re my bae, too, but we have to reestablish the sexual tension that was lost when we started doing it. You know?”

 

“The thrill was gone?” he asked with a pout.

 

Scully shrugged her shoulders. “I guess? Mulder, do you notice how this doesn’t seem to be making any sense?”

 

He looked around them, suddenly feeling paranoid. “You gave up everything and went on the run with me for like…years, right?”

 

She nodded, her blue eyes going wide. “And then you stayed in hiding in our house in Virginia so that I could start practicing medicine and be closer to my family. We lived together as a couple for like the last seven or eight years. That happened, didn’t it?”

 

“Yes, but,” he paused as he formulated a theory. “It must just not be enough to have the person you’ve given up everything for and who you would die for…there’s gotta be that sexual tension. And, sometimes, indifference for no reason whatsoever.”

 

“I’ve seen this before, Mulder!” she said, raising her voice in frustration.

 

He put his hands on her shoulders, licking his lips. “I know what I’m doin’.” 

 

“Then get your hands off me. We can’t touch for at least…I don’t know….Maybe you can hold my hand if something major happens to me…or vice versa.”

 

He nodded, taking her advice very seriously. “It’s for the best.”

 

“It is right? I mean, this is where we are in our lives now. Time has passed and obviously we have hit a bump in the road.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like us.”

 

“Okay, let’s go, then,” she replied, handing him her car keys. “Who did you say Skinner wanted us to meet?”

 

“This conservative talk show host guy named Tad.”

“Tad, huh?” she said, waggling her eyebrows at him. “He sounds hot.”

 

And then Mulder started crying again.


End file.
